Monday, November 2, 2009

Twelve Things Fat Guys Shouldn't Wear

I am not only a connoisseur of fine literature and master in the art of romance; I've also got my finger on the ever-changing pulse of the fashion world.

And lately, I've noticed a problem:  fat dudes don't know how to dress themselves. Gone are the days of the jovially rotund robber-baron. 21st-century fat people are just dumpy. There's no longer any happiness to that lifestyle. Nowadays, it's perfectly normal to throw on a muumuu or sweatpants and be on one's way. This has to change.

 William H. Taft, one of Fat's biggest names, impeccably dressed and sittin' pretty.

Luckily, I'm here to help. Here's a handy list of things I hope to never see a fat man wearing. Feel free to distribute this advice around the office, at church, at your nearest Denny's, on a billboard, or wherever else you see fit:

1. Nothing. This is especially applicable if you are covered in bedsores or cellulite. Bonus level of repulsion if there's an excessive amount of hair.

2. Their hearts on their sleeves.

3. A feedbag.

4. Crocs. Crocs are gross on just about everyone.

5. Footie Pajamas.

6. Fewer than three chins. Go big or go home.

7. Ladies. Most fat guys don't have to worry about this.

8. Cargo shorts. Nobody should wear cargo shorts, but when fat guys wear them, the end result is someone who resembles a butternut squash.

9. Food stains or residue.

10. Pounds and pounds of fa-...oh, wait. I guess that's a lost cause.

11. Speedos.

12. Bibs. A bib implies a person who is serious about their food. Your body shape precedes the bib in making clear your enthusiasm for eating. The bib is just redundant.

Hope this helps!


  1. This is a seriously funny post. Great job.

  2. Thanks for assaulting my eyeballs with that unexpected video clip.